The Mad Cow says, "Boom!" or When Did The Edge Get So Close?

I am no longer imprisoned in House Small. Technically my sentence ended last night, but all I did with that was wander around my neighbourhood talking on the phone...real scandalous. Today was my first full day of freedom. So I told my mom I needed to get out of the house, expecting her to make me stay, but she reacted positively, so I said, "Peace." I got dressed and had some food. As I was leaving she was like, "You have bus fare?" And I was like, "Yeah, in my left pocket." But then she offered me a ride.

My initial plan for the day had me at Warped Tour. However my ride and ticket had to bail. He has hoof-and-mouth disease, however I think he secretly has CJD. It's that pining for English beef...

I meandered around my city taking in the new developments and pondering the course of events for the summer, really. I determined that texting and sex are about the same thing really, commitment. I came up with some interesting thoughts... It was therapeutic, my wandering. And I got to dance a little. But I won't be happy until I can dance until I sweat bullets. Until everything that currently plagues me no longer seems to be an issue.

And I realized I can do anything.

So I figure I need some flowery words for today.
The truth? A lie. Set high upon a pedestal to make all the herd focus on this unattainable goal. Break free, little ewe, throw off the spell. Knock the pedestal over. Expose it for the world, expose it for your fellows...
Not good, but eh...



I read some of my previous work and it kinda blew me away a little...

I intensely dislike...

...the feeling of overwhelming despair that lies underneath it all. Whenever I take down my guard, let down my fences, roll up the barbed wire, and try to take a deep breath I can't help feeling this...depression.
There is no other word for it. This feeling that eats at my will to live. This feeling that makes not even exposing the truth worthwhile.
I feel so small and insignificant against this. I am powerless to try to stop it.
This feeling blankets me under the guise of keeping me warm, but it manages to chill me form the inside with no hope of my warmth ever returning.
I'm not sure how to stop this feeling. I know that my preferred coping mechanism is a) not what my "friends" prefer b) not politically correct and c) harmful. Yes, I DO recognize that it's harmful. Researching it found me shaking and crying in the wake of this knowledge.

Spilling this hasn't produced any revelations as for what to do about this, but it has given me a chance to take some of the weight away.

If you're reading this, congratulations on wading your way through such heavy prose and gobs of metaphors.

Some more rantings...

I don't know what to say about this current situation. I feel so cryptic. Where is my Rosetta Stone? Unlock my thoughts and discover a whole new world of hurt. What lies behind my eyes is something no mortal can handle. I feel the emotions I put off and I channel them.


I've lost it. Today is not as good as usual. SUCK!

Update-January 4th

Things seem to be going along nicely. I've simply been too lazy to find writing and post it here. It is coming, I promise. But not all at once.

By the way, I require no one to read my rantings. They're metaphors for what I'm going through sometimes, and just flowery language other times. Mostly they help me get things off my chest and frequently provide inspiration. Also it's fun for me to retrace my thoughts; what was I listening to, where was I, what was I doing...

It appears my "lack-of-words" affliction is beginning to lift. Any of you who were following that, rejoice. I am becoming much quicker with determining the proper words for situations after a brief fallout of said skill.

I think that's all for now. Hello any and all. Enjoy.


Today:
It was interesting. It's Friday. These last few weeks have been very up-down-up-down. Soo, today was no exception. I wish I could release another balloon.

Today's Flow of Words

I tasted the forbidden fruit. It would be a lie to say it wasn't good. But the grass is always greener. The pain you feel will absolve you from sin. Remember what you refrained from. The chain link fence turns to an iron curtain in your mind. Forcing your memories to be forgotten. Remember what your forgot, little cricket. Float up in ever-lit ecstasy. Be high without drugs. Think of the things we used to know, think of the past. Now look the future and apply the past.



Today's rantings. You're welcome, pshah!

Today's Rantings

You want something to remember? Once in a lifetime? Hold tight to the umbrella so that you may rise up. Hear the call, follow the signs to your death. Remember the jar of bait, follow the trail. The lights shine and flash in your eyes. Blood, like syrup, drips from the many wounds inflicted. These days all is high definition. The next step, who knows what it will be? Thyme for time. Does anyone really remember the "good ole days?" Where is your heart at this moment? Is it stationed where you think it is? Or has it gone wandering on its own to be stepped on and killed?


Man, that sucked. But I feel better, having constructed some sentences.

Stream of consciousness ranting

If you can understand this, let me know. I'll have to change it.

You push me against the curtain always. I always screw up when he's watching, it's a curse. I am still the nameless. So much happening, so much complaining. I'm not in love, it's just a silly phase you're going through. where is the truth in all of this? the rustic chord. tune me sharp, drop it down. watch as i spin. the chinese water torturing of my soul. so high, so high, where? spin, spin little people. Hold your pose right there. mix the fake smiles and match our bruised bodies. high kicks and salt licks. but remember your tall vowels. stretch them out on one of those devices. the snake of red, causing judgement all around. feel the callous, tape it all up. grin and bear it. shine through the pain. shine through the shoddy technique, watch as the catwalk falls. i am beaten, i am bruised. i won't give up, i will be better, i will be noticed, you will know my name.